Introductions

I work at a small interior design firm in a small city. As is common in this field, I am one of 2 young women working side by side with 3 women who are older than my parents. As you can imagine, this generational gap brings about many interesting encounters. These encounters often require that I vent or decompress with my fellow young coworker, because - of course - I am against murdering the elderly.

Recently, however, the upcoming election has correlated violently with the increasing age of my coworkers, and I have therefore developed the need to take my venting public.

Introductions:
All names have been changed in the interest of my continued employment. All women have been given male names to further demonstrate the ridiculousness of these people.

Randall:

• The personification of insecurity (thanks to her architect husband) portrayed as supreme confidence and arrogance
• Only buys shoes with one criterion: that they are completely silent so as to aid her sneaking up on you
• Walks around the office slower than a sloth for the aforementioned reason, but also to pass the time since Randall hasn't done any work since approximately 1972
• Doesn't acknowledge that the cost of living increases annually; The lack of raises is supposedly recovered through weekend-long company trips to Atlanta to spend money I don't have with people I don't like. Yippee!
• Dons a massive forehead that she proudly parades around the office, slowly

Lewis:

• Shorter than most children
• Favors a bulldog
• Loud, obnoxious, ignorant
• Whistles. Whistles at work. Whistles the same song all day without regard to anyone else's feelings
• Terrified of the entire world including rainstorms and homeless people
• Is the first to arrive at work and therefore re-locks the elevator behind her to prevent, I'm guessing, her abduction from the third floor of an occupied building
• Bellows "Hello??" from the back of the office when the next person arrives and the sensor dings, because, you know, several burglars around town also have keys to unlock the elevator that you - just - locked - behind - you, Idiot.
• Thinks that her typewriter degree from 1984 combined with her age has qualified her as a registered Interior Designer

Russ:

• Airhead bordering on mental retardation
• Enormously tall, almost masculine except for a pretty head
• Hasn't updated her technological skills beyond 1984
• Has no respect for personal space - barrels into your office, resembling what can only be described as a Bull in a China Shop, and knocks several things off your desk
• Such a big, disorganized mess that she can't even manage tasks as simple as keeping her phone cord untangled
• Has raised three idiot daughters who, on a daily basis, overdraw their checking accounts by a minimum of 300 dollars, change their major, and wreck their car
• Has a cellphone set to the most annoying ring tone imaginable, which she leaves behind at the office every chance she gets
• Doesn't gently take brochures you pass to her in rep presentations - snatches them from you like a prisoner at lunch